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RIP Mum

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Time really does heal that I can now type the subject without breaking down.
Mum was diagonised with Stage IV  rectal cancer in July last year and passed
away 5 months later  on 17th December.
The days after are a blur, of tasks and visitors, tears and a constant hum
of pain in the background.
2019 Christmas was the first without Mum and George - we all unlocked a new
 level of pain that day.
I'm trudging along , realised  fighting  the tears is a losing battle and when they show
 up in public I find a corner or bathroom .
This Saturday will be my first time to go home since returning to Kampala last month.
Wambui, my sis, was there last week and she couldn't stand it for more than 2 days.
Please say a prayer for me. I need it

The Invitation

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for,  and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing. 
It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking
 like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if
 you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by
 life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain!
I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to
hide it or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with
 wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without
 cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being
human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I wa…

38

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I turned 38 on Tuesday last week.
I feel happy.
As I was reflecting on Sunday (if you're ever in Kampala, Bahai Temple
is a wonderful place for reflection and prayer), realised, finally, my
default setting nowadays is contentment and happiness.
And what a joy it is to learn this.
I love my life; the people in it, by choice or default
I'm happy with my choices; even the no so smart ones
I love my body; the workings, shape and size of it
I love my mind; how it helps me interpret and interact with the world
I adore my heart; how she feels and navigates me
My spirit embodies all that I am , the foundation on which I'm built

It's taken blood, sweat and tear to get here and I'm grateful me rallied
and marshaled for this fight.
I'm bloody proud of myself.
Girl, you did good *highfives self
Well done

13 months

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13 months ago I left the familiar territory of the Gender and Development and took up
 a position in a social enterprise.
It's been a steep growth curve and here's my key 13 lessons:
1. Learning goes both ways. There's a lot to learn and a lot to teach 
2. Cultivate your voice. Showing up as your authentic self is critical 
3. Delayed decisions charge interest. The sooner you decide and act on the decision,the better 
4. Your team is your biggest asset and liability. They will make or break you. 
5. You have to be the bigger person, all the time, every time. 
6. Courage is a muscle. The more you use it, the stronger and easier it gets. 
7. Murphy's Law:everything that could go wrong does after everything that goes right. 
8. Know your tribe. Figure out fast who to go to for what. 
9. Ask, ask, ask. For help, clarification,favours ,information. Always ask
10. Everything takes longer than you think. One of the co-founders, Jay, drummed this into me and it's annoyingly true.
11…

Acceptance

My week has been a mixed bag.

The awesome part was Ann's visit.
You truly don't know how much you miss someone till they are gone.
I've had a blast in the one week she's been here. The visit to  Kigali was
 particularly special

In his second attempt, my cousin Kabiru ended his life on Sunday and was
buried yesterday.
George my colleague fell sick ,alone in his house .The hours it took for someone to get to
his house and confirm he was alive were nerve-wrecking .
The chemo and radiotherapy effects on Mum are taking a toll.
On a work trip, the truck broke down and had a 9hour wait before we could proceed.

As I sit here on my  couch taking stock of the past 7 days, I've realised I struggle
with accepting things as they are. Especially when I make mistakes.
I have platinum membership to the What If and Should Have club and it's exhausting.
Any ideas on how I can reduce this?It's doing my head in, I'm perennially swinging  between a
utopic past where I m…

Boda Boda stage

So much happiness

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3 friends in the last one week have commented that I'm glowing, and
on it's heels who is he jokes.
I have no clue what's causing it; will gladly take it though;-)
Then I came across this poem that made my heart sing 
So Much Happiness by It is difficult to know what to do with so much happiness.
With sadness there is something to rub against,
a wound to tend with lotion and cloth.
When the world falls in around you, you have pieces to pick up,
something to hold in your hands, like ticket stubs or change.
But happiness floats.
It doesn’t need you to hold it down.
It doesn’t need anything.
Happiness lands on the roof of the next house, singing,
and disappears when it wants to.
You are happy either way.
Even the fact that you once lived in a peaceful tree house
and now live over a quarry of noise and dust
cannot make you unhappy.
Everything has a life of its own,
it too could wake up filled with possibilities
of coffee cake and ripe peaches,
and love even the floor which ne…