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Showing posts from 2012

Mistake making streak

It's been over two months since I blogged.No excuse is good enough

I am having one of those days,once I told a friend that and he assumed I was having my periods. Am having a bad day.Most things have gone wrong,all due to me;my personality.

My best friend is at work and this is the only space available to rant.

Work went wrong,thanks to my idiot brother,free advice people,if you can,avoid getting into business with your family.The idiots get away with murder and you ,the sane person is left to deal with the police.
And should you,like my father leave a business to your family to inherit,kindly put everything in writing.
It'll stop your family members from having fantasies of each other's death.

That,coupled with being taken advantage of by some fellows I worked with left me counting my failures.Over a milkshake and burger,I even had a term for this'mistake making streak'
In fact all those platitudes about looking on the bright side of life,being glad that at least …

30th Sept jokes

Our saving grace as Kenyans is our sense of humour.We  are able to laugh(eventually)even at disaster.
On Sept 30th,all fake mobile phones were being were switched off(of course it's not the buyer's fault that the Kenyan gvt allowed the phones to be imported  in the first place,that that is Nokia's and Samsung's headache and that the average Kenyan doesn't know what a 'fake'mobile phone is,if he/she is able to call/text/browse/take photos etc using their handset,then it is a real mobile phone,but I digress)
And as usual,Kenyans took this in their stride and sent the jokes to mark this event.
 My favourites are:
i)Han yu pak sang hao shi yung ching pen han haoshi peng yu mia jaa min pai ja xian jiao yong leeyin hang
ni men chong yung shen xian....Yong pa koo,ki mei jaa.I can c u r really struggling to read,nakuambia have a
good evening,niko China kurudisha phone yangu wanirudishie pesa before midnyt!

ii)Dear customer,do not think we've forgotten to switch…

Kenyans!!

One of the crappy things about being Kenyan is how anyone with power will always lord it over you.
We learnt this early one,in primary school,once your best friend was elected by the class teacher to be the class prefect or monitor,your relationship changed.
You would no longer share lunch,borrow her pencil or talk to her as freely as before.
And this effect was obvious all over,when your uncle  became chief,the relationship with your parents and his other siblings changed,when your mother was elected to the church council,your bosom buddy at work received a promotion.........
And therein the notion that if you are in a position of influence or power.your responsibilities become your privileges,therefore when carrying out your duties,it seems you are doing others a favour.
It is a local Administrator's duty to issue a burial permit for example,but when you go to get one,many a time you have to court him and usually you have to thank him later
In all the funerals I have attended,th…

Why

Before I have the time to blog,I get all these fantastic(to me)ideas on what to write,
sometimes even 3/4 ideas at a time,until I sit down to actually do it.
Why is it so hard to put ideas into words?
And why do they sound brilliant in my head but once you put them down
 you wonder what the hell you were thinking???
Why does it seem you have a whole thesis then when you type it's only a few lines?
Or is it just me.

Stribild

I am reading Joel Rothschild's Signals.It is  deeply inspiring to me,especially since I have never read a memoir by a HIV+ person( recommendations are welcome)
It is in this spirit that I highly welcome the news that the US has approved Stribild, a once a day pill to treat HIV.
I have seen the many tablets that patients who are on ARVs  take,some as many as 16 and this is welcome news.
Of course it's going to be a while before this pill is available in Nariobi.
Still,I choose to celabrate this breakthrough,kudos Gilead Sciences

Murphy's Relationship Law

There was a joke during rounds on the net years ago on how women/men are like computers.
According to the women,one of the ways men are like computers is if you get one,you realise if you had waited a few months you could have got a better model.
I was single for a whole year and now that am in a relationship,the 'better models'are out.
My friend Lucy has remarked about it several times,when you are not in a relationship,no man appears to be interested;the minute you get into one,hordes of them appear out of the woodwork,and the funny part is that some of them were around when you were available.Must be Murphy's relationship law

1 week affair

I unknowingly went out with a married man for a week.Of course he said he wasn't married,claimed he had been separated from his wife for years.
I had my suspicions which were confirmed  and the tell tale signs included
i)he used to insist on going home for lunch
ii)rarely picked up my calls-would prefer to call me back
iii)always suggesting to be invited to my place but never invited me to his
iv)at night,he would call me from the kitchen(would hear pots banging in the background-for authenticity I think)or outside the house.This is what made me call a friend of mine who happens to be his neighbour to confirm.All my previous boyfriends had no problem chatting when they were in bed
v)Pushed for sex almost immediately,claimed willingness to wait when he noticed my reservation.
vi)had handy excuses for not picking up my calls,not replying texts,bouncing dates

Of course any one or two of the above is no proof of marriage.
And a word to the married men,some women will  go out with you …

Miguna Drama

Miguna Miguna is hot news in Kenya at the moment.I cannot wait to get my hands on Peeling Back The Mask.
The Raila camp should have learnt from Eric Wainaina-say nothing.He(Eric)held onto the no comment during his saga with Valerie and like all scandals,it was forgotten and to date no one can quote anything he said.
Sarah Elderkin,a media consultant for the ODM is publishing a 3-part series in defence of Raila,adding fuel to the fire.
Get a refill,put up your feet folks,the Miguna Drama continues.


Kenyan Wives

It is obviously in bad taste that the late Orwa Ojonde's brother wrote to the Speaker asking for a share of the Ksh 20m.According to him,he was a dependant of his late brother and is entitled to a share of the compensation .He also cited that Mrs Ojonde was not talking to him or any of his relatives.
I don't blame her for the silence.
In most Kenyan societies,it is preferable for the wife to die before the husband.
Upon the death of the husband,his relatives are usually quick to point fingers to the widow.She is almost always to blame for the death,directly or indirectly.
Next is the scramble for his property,this ranges from the furnishings in the home,clothes, funeral contribution to his pension.
Growing up as a girl in Africa,one is always aware of the temporary stay in her father's house.There are sayings,riddles,proverbs that remind you that one day you will leave your family,get married and get a new family.Parents who refuse to educate their female children often us…

Laptop loss

In my lifetime,I have lost many things-several phones,money,clothes,opportunities,books the list is long.I remember when I lost Mum's money and had to pay her back using my savings.
Then there's the first time my phone got stolen-how I panicked and replaced it within hours.It was after the third phone loss that I realised the people who am in regular calls and texts with have access to me without the phone.And having an address book also comes in handy.And update it regularly.  

My laptop was stolen 3 sundays ago.This loss is different.
 Within a day or two,I had come to terms with all the other losses-the usual life goes on,at least am still alive,healthy blah blah blah and moved on.
15 days later,am  mourning-the should haves and what ifs  plague me still.I even have a  laptop recovery fantasy,the one where cops ambush a thug's house,recover many stolen items.I get a phone call to go and have a look at the items and voila,there lies my laptop,am even practicing my cool o…

My Land Is Kenya

There was a petition in my inbox today from Avaaz-to save Nairobi National Park.Apparently the Kenyan government wants to build a road through the park.
What intrigued me was the lack of this piece of news in the local media.

It reminded me of the fibre optic  cables under Indian Ocean that were damaged by a ship earlier this year causing slow,or rather slower internet connections and we found out about this from the US websites.

This lack of information is deliberate,I believe. Sometimes motivated by power and at times self preservation.
In  a country where anything can take  a political and ethnic angle e.g Hon Fred Ngumo during the Deputy CJ Barasa saga,one has to be sift carefully what information leaks to the public.

Of course some would argue that most of the Kenyan population would not be concerned about some matters.This may be true but most of us would rather know whether or not it concerns us and whether or not we are able to do anything about it.

Kenya's political class…

;)

CITIZEN TV's weather forecast last night 'Reduced wet weather activities expected throughout the country'
Someone (preferably fron CITIZEN)kindly explain what wet weather activities.

Seen on a matatu'We repair broken eggs'The person who saw this was unable to get the driver's contacts.Does anyone know him?better yet are you in possession of this manual?

A friend put a smile on my face this morning when she texted me this:
A jaluo is not a window cleaner,he is a transparent wall technician.
He doesn't say he is at Kencom,he is opposite Hilton Hotel.
He is not a watchman,he is a facilty security executive.
He is not a fisherman,he is an aquaculture industrialist.
He does not sweat,he perspires.
He does not bald,he reduces his hair to scalp ratio.
He does not change the topic,he subverts the contextual prefereces of the
conversational obligatory expectation.
He doesn't pay tax,he reviews his incone as stipulated by the constitution in
consultation with K…

Long Weekend

Yeey!Madaraka day,June 1st-the day that my beloved country Kenya attained self rule is tomorrow,a Friday.
Am not coming back to the office till Monday.
What I hear-sleep,rest,relax,sleep,rest,relax,sleep,rest,relax for three consecutive days.

What it actually means-Wake up early to prepare food for Mum's visitors,host two dozen children for Andrew's birthday,attend a baby shower,go out for drinks,travel to Nakuru for a family getogether,cook,clean up,stay up all night trying to bond with strangers,not sleep or sleep uncomfortably on a strange bed,wake up early,make breakfast,clean up,travel from Nakuru,supervise homework,work on a presentation due on Monday

Little sleep,no relaxation,no rest-the joys of a long weekend.

Jana's Attack

According to the Daily Nation,33 people were admitted at Kenyatta National Hospital after the blast at Assanands House,along Moi Ave yesterday.
My mother called me to confirm I was still alive,my office is along Moi Avenue and I watched the live reporting on NTV.

My thinkings;

The NTV anchor kept apologizing to the viewers for showing graphic images without prior warning and her main excuse was it was a live feed and therefore couldn't censor any images. Which we all know is a load of hogwash.Sensational journalism.

If I were a terrorist in Kenya,I would detonate the explosives in two phases.Blow my target-Phase 1. Blow the crowd-Phase 2
And Phase 2 would guarantee more casualties.
Running towards a crime scene must be one of  Kenyans' peculiar habits  Michael Joseph was talking about.

Sighting of  electrical wires on the ground is enough reason to blame the electricity company for an explosion.Mathew Itere,please explain,with diagrams.

'Any publicity is good publicity'…

For Ann

My gal Ann bought me a cake-on her birthday.I have googled poems about friendship
and the last two verses of Henry David Thoreau's Friendship come close

Two sturdy oaks I mean, which side by side,
Withstand the winter's storm,
And spite of wind and tide,
Grow up the meadow's pride,
For both are strong

Above they barely touch, but undermined
Down to their deepest source,
Admiring you shall find
Their roots are intertwined
Insep'rably.


Therefore I have decided to resuscitate my poetry skills;

Looking back over my shoulder,
pleasant shock at how many miles we have covered.
A river of gratitude snakes through me.
I call you friend.
Your faith has navigated me through
many a storm.
The hours and years  you have lent your ear,
Many words of wisdom and unwisdom that have dried my tears
and birthed laughter.
For the hugs,smiles,welcome silence, unsaid
I told you sos'
Unwavering loyalty,contagious enthusiasm and uncaged
optimism,
I appreciate.

CC:Bosse,Mshai,Wanda,Rose,Iren…

Puzzled

Bumped into these brainteasers yesterday

1. Johnny’s mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child’s name?
2. A clerk at a butcher shop stands five feet ten inches tall and wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?
3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?
4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
5. What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?
6. Billie was born on December 28th, yet her birthday always falls in the summer. How is this possible?
7. In British Columbia you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
8. If you were running a race and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
9. Which is correct to say, “The yolk of the egg is white” or “The yolk of the egg are white?”
10. A farmer has five haystacks in one field and four haystacks in another. How many haystacks wo…

Tuesday Monday blues

I wasn't in the office yesterday so today feels like a Monday.Once upon a time I din't mind Monday.In fact my dislike for it is purely through peer pressure-everybody badmouthing this one day ,the Bangles even  singing about it

My colleague Nkatha once told us Monday is her favourite day of the week,of course this was followed by a lecture on attitude.Don't remember the case she made for it  but at the time it was convincing.

Then one of those newsletters making their way into my inbox had this;

What's your favorite day of the week?

For most people, it's Saturday.

Sundays stink because we dread going back to
work on Monday. Wednesday is "hump" day -
halfway to the weekend. We say TGIF (Thank God
it's Friday!) because it's the last day of work.

Saturday is the only day we universally like!

But fully enjoying only ONE day a week? That's
nuts


I din't attend the webinar and am now thinking maybe I shoud have.Having Monday blues al…

Rain time

It was drizzling when I was having my lunch and one of the waitress wished it wouldn't rain then.Her fairy godmother must have been listening because her wish was granted.
It's 1714hrs  now and the heavens have opened.
Which makes me wonder,when is the right time for rain?
Am sure today some people will get home after 2-5 hours trafficsitting and/or pay five to tenfold of their usual fare.
Depending on where you live in Nairobi,raining at night means a night vigil since the cold,zero visibility and rain music are break in fertile ground.
We have all experienced rainy mornings-sitting in traffic for hours,0.5-two fold increase in fares,splashing by speeding drivers,detours because of mini-pools on the route,being late for work etc etc
And the mid-morning,early afternoon fall-slow internet ,splashy drivers and taking  3 hours to get to a place that usually takes 20 minutes,black-out,no lunch deliveries etc
How did those rain manufacturers in China come up with 3.00pm???????????…

Weight sex theories

I have put on some weight. The people commenting most about it are acquaintances and annoyingly, all the reasons they are putting forth(yes, they tell you how big you’ve become and follow it up with the reason behind it)have to do with my sex life.
Starting with the least annoying: 1)Contraceptives-this is usually phrased as’Kana ni famiry iria urahuthira? Is it the family planning method you are using
The proponents of this theory then start discussing the effects of various contraceptives and start casting glances at my upper arms. 2)Sperm-allegedly,sperm makes women put on weight(should google that one) and this has been phrased as’kuna vitu anapatiwa sasa’ there are some things she’s getting now(meaning sperm) followed by’mzee anakupatia sawasawa’Your  man is giving it to you good

3)Are you pregnant?At least all the other theories don’t quite expect a response from me
‘Umekuwa mkubwa!ama hauko peke yako’ You have become so big!Or you are not alone(read pregnant) or ‘hiyo tumbo yako, uko …