Waaringa

A post I read keeps circling in my mind 'A child who has lost a parent is called an orphan A wife who has lost a husband is a widow A husband who has lost a wife is widower There's no word for a parent who has lost a child because it's indescribable' My son, George Matindi Ng'ang'a was electrocuted to death on 25th May 2019. The darkest day of my life so far. He didn't come from my womb and was thrust in my care when he was 1.5years old. Since then, he has been my child in all the ways that count. As the Swahili saying goes 'Kazi si kuzaa, kazi ni kulea (the work isn't in giving birth, it's in rearing up the child) And now I'll never hear him calling me Mum again. This pain, this pain hits different. It paralyses and leaks from every pore. The slightest touch, whiff sets it off It clings to my body, firmly wrapped on my neck making it hard to breathe sometimes And I've learnt the well of tears never runs dry Some days...

I always thought coaching and counseling were synonymous. Met  coaches Laimani of Alabastron back in 2010 and  Rosie Lore in 2014 and these interactions were therapeutic for me so I didn't quite make the distinction. Enter Anne Prabhu of Leadership That Works. Oh my goodness *****Didn't know I needed this in my life. It's eye opening ( hums I can see clearly now ) Where is a gif when you need one??? For me, this is one of the best investments in my professional life. Attempting to describe it is like telling  a 1st time mother about labour pains;words are woefully inadequate. If you can, try it for yourself. And let me know how it goes. It's a big industry and there's all sorts of coaches now, whatever you need. Thinking of engaging a dating coach next.

I didn't post anything here all of April . Of course I planned to  and something always came up. Realized this morning I've deluded myself for a long time, that I create from a dark and painful place. Have no idea when I picked and internalised that. Most likely because some of my favourite artists talk of operating from their dark side and many are glorified for it. #sidebar, learnt this week of this Pyotr Pavlensky . This April has been one of the toughest months I've had in years. And I couldn't write, even journaling was hard. Had my Aha moment early this morning, I create best from a place of calm, not chaos. Hmmhh, how about that?

This week has been a mixed bag of emotions. Despair and frustration walked in holding hands with excitement and hope . My gratitude practice has buoyed me and here are some of the things I'm grateful for: - Ability to read and write - A comfortable bed - Sleep - Tears - Ripe sweet bananas - Mercy's visit - Grace's birthday - Kayak The Nile - Data - Whats app - Live music - Neighbours What are you grateful for?

My blogging and journal-ling patterns are good markers on the stress levels in my life. I barely wrote last month. Putting my thoughts down gives me joy and yet I avoid it when I most need it. There must be a German word for that. The sea in Feb was rough and I'm glad the storm has somewhat passed. This March I'm hoping to land on an island and lie on the beach enjoying cocktails for a little while.

I've always known books are able to shape one's perception of people and cultures. It's hard to track it in my own life, cannot see the log in my eye after all. I learnt exactly how much last week. Living in Uganda, I often get asked which Kenyan tribe I belong to. Was asked this last week ,said Kikuyu and thought nothing of it. A few days later, the enquirer told me he assumed I was circumcised . He thought this because he read about it in  Ngugi Wa Thiongo's The River Between. I've never thought this would be a trait tied to my tribal identity and it was refreshing to learn a new stereotype to my ethnicity. It wasn't off the mark. My grandmother was circumcised and Central Kenya has an estimated 16.5% FGM prevalence rate . I now can't help but wonder what stereotypes I'm harbouring from my love of books.

I love reading. Actually I'm addicted to reading. I MUST read -articles, books ,reports you name it. In 2018, managed to read 44 books and here are my top 10 favourite; Fiction: 1) Kintu  -Jeniffer Makumbi 2) Stay with me - Ayobami Adebayo 3) The Power -Naomi Alderman 4) Pachinko   - Min Jin Lee 5) Taste of Mel  -Wanjiru Ndung'u Non Fiction: 6) We need more wine - Gabrielle Union 7) Weapons of math destruction -  Cathy O'Neil 8) Everybody Lies - Seth Stephens 9) How to change your mind - Michael Pollan 10) Unlocking Potential -Michael K Simpson